Before the holidays even start, the decisions start getting made for you.
When you're expected to show up, and how long you'll stay. What you'll bring, and how much you'll spend. Who you'll have to be around, even if you feel uncomfortable around them.
By the time the day actually arrives, it can feel like there was never a choice in it at all.
That's what makes setting boundaries around the holidays so hard — and why it helps to get clear on what a boundary actually is. A boundary is not about trying to control someone else, or even the situation. It's about you — your behavior, and how you respond to other people and the situations you're in.
How the holidays take your choices away
When it comes to the holidays, it can feel like we lose our sense of autonomy to traditions, and to other people's demands and wishes. It's easy to get caught up in the expectations of others instead of knowing what you really want to do.
A lot of times, it's just easier to go with whoever is the loudest or most demanding. That's where we lose our choices. "I'd rather just make nice and keep the peace than say what I really want."
That shows up in more places than we realize:
When you show up to family events, and how long you stay
What you eat, and how much
Which topics you do and don't talk about
How much you spend on gifts
Which activities you participate in, and which ones you don't
Being around family members you feel uncomfortable around, "because that's just how they are"
It can also look like being made to decide things for other people, playing interference, or getting triangulated into the relationship dynamics between parents, siblings, and in-laws.
If that pattern sounds familiar, it's the same one I wrote about in how to stop people pleasing without feeling guilty — it just gets louder in November and December.
What about the guilt
Guilt is a tricky emotion, especially when you're trying something new.
Guilt has a real job. It helps us when we've done something wrong, and it helps us correct our behavior. (I wrote more about that here: why you feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong.)
But here's the thing. When we go against what we've been taught — implicitly or explicitly — we are, technically, doing something "wrong." We're going against what is normal or expected. That doesn't mean we're actually doing something wrong. It could mean we're doing something right — it's just different than what we've ever done.
We get to say no to spending beyond our budget for the best presents. We get to say no to the demands to show up early, make all the sides, or stay extra late to clean up by ourselves. We get to enjoy our holidays, too, in a way that works for us — even if it goes against what we've always done, or what's been expected of us.
The guilt gets to be present, because it's trying to keep us safe. But it doesn't have to drive the bus. We can reassure the younger parts of us that we are safe, and we get to advocate for ourselves.
When your family pushes back
Being part of a family system — or really any people system — means you will rub against people. Sometimes that rub isn't so drastic, and sometimes it is. Sometimes people take things very personally, as if you're attacking them.
That's why it's so important not to engage in their reactions, their chaos, their pain — and to stay grounded in yourself, in a respectful way. You can hold empathy for someone who is hurt or disappointed that you're changing the rules of engagement, and still stand for what you need. Both can be true, even when they may never change.
Here's what that can sound like. Every year, you're the one who shows up early, makes all the sides, and stays extra late to clean up by yourself — not because anybody asked you to, but because that's just become your job. This year, you can tell your mom in advance, so she has time to plan and shift her expectations:
"I can get there at two, and I'm happy to bring a side. I won't be able to stay late to clean up this year."
She can be disappointed. And you can still be kind, and clear about what you can offer. If the guilt trip comes about not being helpful, you can repeat the empathy: "I know this is different from past years, but this is all I'm able to do this year."
It can also sound like this. Every year, somewhere between dinner and dessert, the questions start — when you're getting married, when you're having kids, how work is really going. This year, you can decide before you arrive that you don't have to answer them:
"I'm not getting into that today — but I want to hear about your trip."
He can make a joke about it. Somebody can change the subject, or not. And you can say it the same kind way as many times as you need to. You don't owe the table an answer just because somebody asked the question.
Start before the season starts
The first step in taking back even one small choice is to check in with yourself before the demands and the planning and the expectations start rolling in. Ask:
What do I have capacity for this year — time, energy, commitment, financial, emotional?
What am I willing, and not willing, to sacrifice this holiday season?
If you're traveling to see family, pick one thing that's yours. Maybe it's a walk in the morning before everybody wakes up. Maybe it's going back to a familiar coffee shop or restaurant for a break by yourself. Maybe it's offering to make a new recipe that's more aligned with your dietary needs.
We don't have to be defiant when we set boundaries, and we don't need to be mean about them. We get to be clear and kind — honoring the other person, and you, at the same time.
If you want the exact words in your pocket, I made Holiday Boundary Scripts for the family questions, pressure, and pushback that tend to show up this time of year.
And if the holidays undo you every year, and you'd like support working through that, we can do that work together. Start with a free 15-minute consultation.
FAQ
How do I set boundaries with family during the holidays?
Start by checking in with yourself before the demands start rolling in: what do I have capacity for this year, and what am I not willing to sacrifice? A boundary isn't about controlling your family — it's about your own behavior and how you respond. Decide what works for you, say it in advance when you can, and keep it kind and clear.
How do I handle guilt when I set boundaries during the holidays?
Guilt often shows up simply because you're going against what you were taught was normal or expected — not because you're doing something wrong by your own values. The guilt gets to be present, because it's trying to keep you safe. It just doesn't have to drive the bus.
What if my family doesn't respect my holiday boundaries?
You can't control their reaction, and some people will take a boundary personally. You don't have to engage in their reaction or their chaos. You can hold empathy for their disappointment and still stand for what you need — and repeat what you can offer: "I know this is different from past years, but this is all I'm able to do this year."